Chapter 1

ATTENTION: IF YOU HAVE OPENED THIS PAGE, YOU HAVE JUST ACTIVATED THE RUSSIAN NUCLEAR DEFENSE SYSTEM. AFTER READING THIS MESSAGE, YOU WILL HAVE EXACTLY 20 MINUTES TO ABORT THE PROGRAM, BUT SINCE THIS IS VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE, ALL YOU WILL BE ABLE TO DO IS WALLOW IN 20 MINUTES' WORTH OF SELF PITY UNTIL THE MISSILES CROSS THE ARCTIC OCEAN AND YOU DIE, ALONG WITH EVERY OTHER INHABITANT OF YOUR PITIFUL CONTINENT. EVEN IF YOU MANAGE TO REACH A BOMB SHELTER IN TIME, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO POSSIBLE WAY YOU COULD STORE ENOUGH SUPPLIES TO SURVIVE THE 200 YEAR NUCLEAR WINTER, SO REST ASSURED THAT YOU HAVE NO MEANS OF SURVIVAL. FORTUNATELY (FOR YOU), YOU'RE WRONG. THIS EVENTUALITY WAS FORESEEN AND PLANNED FOR, AND YOU, ALONG WITH 9 OTHER MEMBERS OF YOUR LAUGHABLY INSIGNIFICANT SPECIES, WILL BE TELEPORTED ONTO THE YZXDGLN STARSHIP o0-5#Ykk--@B, CURRENTLY ORBITING YOUR UNBELIEVABLY PRIMITIVE PLANET FOR THE LAST 500 MILLION YEARS. THE YZXDGLNS, A RACE FAR SUPERIOR TO YOUR OWN, HAVE MONITORED YOUR PLANETS INCREDIBLY STUPID SOCIETY FOR ITS ENTIRE DEVELOPMENT, AND HAVE DECIDED THAT IT MIGHT BE ONLY SEMI-POINTLESS TO SAVE IT FROM ITS INEVITABLE SELF-DESTRUCTION FOR THE PURPOSE OF A SLIGHTLY INTERESTING, LOW-COST MUSEUM EXHIBIT. YOU AND YOUR CO-RESCUEES WILL BE PRESERVED IN CRYOSTASIS FOR DISPLAY IN THE NATIONAL MUSEUM OF YZXDGL ON THE CRGLDNK-ALPHA-MAJOR COLONY; TO BE REVIVED EVERY 50 YEARS FOR A SPECIAL PRESENTATION ON HUMAN BEHAVIOR.

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE SO PRIMITIVE THAT YOU ACTUALLY THINK VOWELS ARE NECESSARY.




TELEPORTING IN:




5-


4-


3-


2-


*WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES; PLEASE STAND BY*



OH DEAR, THE TELEPORTER'S NOT WORKI-
BBBOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!



ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NOTE:

external image numbat-tail.pngexternal image camel-body.pngexternal image dolphin-head.png

FRESHWATER SCREAMING SCRIZGOW


About your Awesome AnimalTHE FRESHWATER SCREAMING SCRIZGOW IS NATIVE TO THE RAINFORSTS OF JITTLESQUAP, WHERE IT LIVES OFF A DIET OF PIG FLESH AND MANGO SEEDS. WHEN THREATENED, IT IMPERSONATES A WILD STOCK MARKET ANALYST TO ESCAPE. IT IS SO SEVERELY ENDANGERED THAT NO-ONE HAS SEEN ONE OUT OF CAPTIVITY. IN FACT, IT IS SO ENDANGERED THAT NO-ONE HAS SEEN ONE IN CAPTIVITY, EITHER.
My animal's cool features
  1. WILL ONLY EAT HUMANS WHEN THREATENED
  2. RUMORS THAT THE F.S.S HIJACKS PLANES AND DELIBERATELY CRASHES THEM IN THE OCEAN ARE PROBABLY UNTRUE
  3. DURING THE MATING SEASON , THE F.S.S TURNS BRIGHT ORANGE AND IS CAPABLE OF FLIGHT.


Chapter 2